For Joe Toly

Thursday, March 4th I brought a letter to grandma that came to my house for her. I didn't know what was in it either and was really excited to give it to her to open...it was going to be a surprise for both of us! Here she is right after I handed it to her and she is reading the addresses:

She decided she needed to get her envelope opener out to open it:

The letter was from her great-grandson, Joe Toly, son of Noah and Becky.

As you can see she started to get really excited while she was opening up the papers:

She looked at it for a minute and then right away pointed, and said, "oh, wow, that's me!" while joyfully laughing.

She took her time and looked over everything on there:

Here she is showing them off:

Below are close-ups of Joe's beautiful drawings:

Also, he put stickers on one side of the paper. The stickers were of states he thought grandma would like and she sure did! He chose her favorite states!

After finishing looking at the drawings, she went and got the picture of Joe with his brother and sister from off the fridge and made sure I remembered what their wonderful smiles looked like:

Thank you so much Joe for sending that very thoughtful and creative gift to grandma. She was absolutely thrilled to receive it. She loves you very, very much and and spoke of you often to me. You brightened her afternoon so much!

Updates and Afterthoughts

hi everyone.
check back here for:
1) Funeral info as the details become more clear. All I know so far is that it will be this Saturday at Fairview Memorial in Santa Ana, CA.

2) A few more blog entries from the last couple Thursdays I hadn't posted yet--I'm very sad yet excited to show them. I took her to the duck pond two Thursdays ago and have some amazing pictures, she LOVED feeding the ducks and being outside.

3) Misc. pictures and other things I think would be useful/healing to share..for me and you all.

I am very, very sad...and writing on this blog is making it more difficult...I can't see much of the screen past my tears.
I feel soo glad that I chose to take care of grandma beginning this year, it makes sense now why I was given the opportunity, although it sure makes the situation affect me more.
So far, I have been seeing that the most common thing we all are dealing with now that this has happened, and after every death, is regrets and "I should haves." I keep telling everyone else we can't blame ourselves wishing we had spent more time with her or done this or that for her, that we were all living our lives the way we had to and so was she, etc. But even I am not of pure innocence of this. I wish I had spent more time with her on the weekends or stayed longer last Thursday..."why didn't i just sit there longer? watch another show? ask her to go on a walk? why didn't i hug her longer when i said goodbye last Thursday?" But i keep telling myself, neither of us had any idea this was going to happen and so it doesn't matter.
I want to be vulnerable and share that to help anyone else. Because even I, someone who got to spend more time with her than some of you, on a regular basis, wish that I had more time or done something differently; her and i were just getting the hang of our new partnership, I told her we would go to the duck pond every month with more bread, we had a ballet recital to go to, I wanted to have a big birthday party for her and even invite a few of my friends to meet her, we had so much we were beginning to plan, and we were gonna pass that stupid driving test and dye her hair :) I had my routine down with her finally, so we were just getting more adventurous. But anyway, ugh...
I guess it just shows me that it doesn't matter...it doesn't matter if you were able to spend all the time in the world with her or barely any...to those of you who live out of state and are thinking these same thoughts as me--we all are going to feel them no matter what and it has nothing to do with us doing something wrong. I think she knew what was going on in most all of our lives and really, really loved us all and knew how much everyone loved her. She talked a lot about family members with me. That is all I want to say right now.

Monday Quick Hospital Update

Hi everyone out there...friends and family, that follow this. As most of you know, grandma is in the hospital. She had a massive heart-attack sometime early Sunday morning. When Katy went over around 8am, grandma was on the floor of her room next to her bed. Katy called 911 immediately and grandma was taken to ER.
At first, we weren't quite sure what was going on with her body--if she had a minor heart-attack along with another stroke, and a seizure, etc. Of course, we were trying to figure out the scenario and sequence of events.
When I got to the ER Sunday around noon, I was informed that grandma also had pneumonia. At this time, this factor became the most significant because grandma has legal DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) papers. She has always kept them on her fridge just in case. She requests no breathing tubes/help either. As my mom and I were standing there with grandma, we were watching her going through labored breathing and noticeably trying to clear her throat; she was having much trouble doing this due to her body being so weak, most of all her heart. As we were there, her SAT levels (i think that's what it's called--the oxygen level in the blood) went all the way down to 34 and even stayed at 30 for a while.
Before this moment, my mom was hoping to get grandma to the UCSD hospital where her stroke doctor was and, of course, where treatment and diagnosis is MUCH better. However, UCSD would not accept her; I believe due to the severity of the breathing issue and the pneumonia, they estimated, being septic (in the bloodstream), which can be extremely fatal for elderly.
Long story short, grandma was moved Sunday evening to her own bedroom in the hospital, not ICU, however, because there was no need for any technical machines due to her DNR request. If her heart decided to stop at any moment, that was it. If she was having trouble breathing, we would watch her take her last breath. Grandma watched her mother and her husband both pass away with breathing tubes and medical equipment all around them. She never liked the hospital or anyone there touching her. And obviously, she never wanted to have to live with a severe disability or be incapable of taking care of herself; we all know she had a difficult time as it was with her previous condition, simply not being able to drive or just plain being a bit slower.
My mom stayed with her the entire time Sunday and I drove to San Diego to pick up Aunt Sharon from the airport at 8:30pm. She was very lucky to come even that soon. The only flight she could get that morning, arrived in San Diego at 11pm, but a passenger on standby for an earlier flight gave his seat to her. Right before Aunt Sharon was leaving Seattle, my mom held the speakerphone to grandma's ear and Sharon told grandma she better be there and hold on til' she gets there and all the I-love-yous. It was very difficult for my mom as well. When she pulled back the phone to her ear to say goodbye to Sharon, it was the first time I saw my mom breakdown during this ordeal. This was also during the moments in ER when the SAT levels dropped very low and grandma was tossing a little. This was also the time, right after Sharon was on the phone, when, one by one, Noah, Emily, Aaron, Ali, and Aunt Carol (my grandma's sister) all said their loves to grandma on speakerphone as well. I am happy to tell everyone that though being in the state she was, she was trying very hard to talk back, say words, and move her mouth. Nothing could really be deciphered, except we are pretty sure she was saying "I LOVE YOU" to Aunt Sharon back, and just the fact alone that she was trying to and conscious makes me happy to know and tell each of you she heard you all. It was very emotional.
But now further along, leaving out other medical information that doesn't matter now, today grandma had the echocardiogram FINALLY done and the news changed. After examining her heart they found out that her "minor" heart attack was actually "massive" and they were surprised she had been holding on so long. One of her heart valves was not even pumping blood anymore and the other was only pumping 15%! This, they said, was not "fixable." So, immediately, my mom and aunt Sharon knew what had to be done. Everything that was medical was removed from grandma, except for the unattached IV that could be used for giving her some relaxers to soften the labored breathing and stress of the experience of letting her body shut down. We massaged her legs and feet, brushed her hair, made sure her lips and throat didn't get uncomfortably dry, and have been talking to her all day. We played Willie Nelson in the room off my ipod for a long time too; grandma absolutely loves him. At times, right after they give her the relaxers, she sleeps and snores a little, then a few times she stops snoring and we can tell she awakens. She cannot open her eyes of course, but she grunts and moves her mouth as she is trying to respond. At one of these moments today, she even gripped my mom and aunt sharon's hands very tightly. Everyone cried and they told her she could let go if she needed (let go of her life); they knew she loved them and they loved her and it was ok for her to let go, they knew she was tired. I feel very lucky to have felt her squeeze my hand very tightly at another "awake episode" as well. I'm sorry to have scared a few of you through out the day with text messages, because each time she did this, we weren't sure if this was the end or not. So, I suppose you were just feeling what we were feeling being there.
That's all I have the energy to type right now. This is where we are at right now. Uncle George is here now too. And Clarke (aka Cookie) is on his way here to say hi to everyone and rest with me at home for the night.
Grandma can really go at any moment. She is amazingly hanging on even this long. I have said my goodbyes all day long, in my head and out loud. I am trying to accept that she will be gone right now and feel ok about going home tonight. My mom and Aunt Sharon haven't left the room, except to go to the bathroom and even then are stressed out to do so, or slept since Sunday. I hope they will be ok.

Thursday #7: The Grocery Store / 2-18-10

So, today I took grandma to the grocery store for the first time. Two weeks ago I went to the store for her on a Friday and picked up some things she had on a list she gave me and it made her pretty happy. So, she made another list. My mom told me the night before so I could plan on taking grandma during our time together.
When I got to her house, I made breakfast right away so we could get on our merry way. My mom told me that grandma needs to eat before we go out, which is not a problem for me because if I wait to eat, it won't take long for me to get cranky and slow too.
She had her favorite: scrambled eggs and dry toast with jelly. For the first time, I "jellied" her toast for her and put the top piece over the bottom and sliced it in half (usually she does it). Then, I noticed for the first time she ate it like a sandwich and didn't pull the slices apart..maybe she thought I made her a jelly sandwich.

After breakfast I took her blood pressure and gave her her pills. I also take my blood pressure sometimes too out of curiosity. Since three women in my family have high blood pressure, why not start keeping track of mine now, right? Looks good so far. Grandma jokes "oh, right, are you trying to tease me with your perfect numbers?"

Together on the way to the store (and as you can see, I finally got prescription sunglasses and grandma brought her pair this time):

Her pair of J-Lo shades that is...and look at those pouty model lips:

Alright, now for the good stuff. Now remember she doesn't get out much nor has she been to the store in a while. So, she likes looking at everything. At first I was afraid she was going to put tons of stuff in the cart the way she was eyeing everything..but no, she was just intrigued.

She really liked these tomatoes and made me feel them...they were "perfectly firm."

Cat food: 10 for $4. We started to count, but once she got to 4 she decided that was enough. All chicken and salmon flavor.

She wanted a mini travel toothpaste, but decided she would think about it.

Picking sweet potatoes:

The one thing that was most important to her to get from the store was Tostido's Spinach Dip! She loves that stuff! Here she is looking for it. I told her it was probably on the chip aisle, but she insisted on looking around the produce section and vegetable freezer section:

I waited patiently for her but began to make my way with the cart to where I thought it would be. Here she is slowly and unsurely following me:

I FOUND IT! AND SHE WAS SO HAPPY! That man behind just doesn't understand:

"What was it doing here?!" she said. It was actually on one of those side shelves in a random spot next to the cleaning aisle!

Did you say cleaning aisle? Grandma loves to clean, so then suddenly there she went to have a gander. She walked away so fast, I thought she disappeared or was running from me:

Packing it in. She is pretty strong and wants to help equally which I think is great so she feels able and capable still (that's important to her) though I did try to lift the heavy things first so she couldn't.

Buckled and set:

When we got home we made coffee. She had been out of creamer and hadn't had her cup for the day yet. She asked me how much cream I wanted.
I said "a two count."
She said "a one-two count or a one-one count," and proceeded to count to two, which was actually probably equivalent to a 5 count.
And I said "perfect."
It's no wonder the creamer goes so fast.

And here we are practicing the sample driving tests online for the 3rd week in a row. She got 18 out of 20 correct! Here's my drawing showing her what it means to make a left turn from a one-way street onto another one-way street where you must make sure the traffic is moving to the left as well:

After the test taking we decided to go to AAA. She has been worried that the written driving test is going to change soon and wants to make sure all of our studying is not in vain if that's the case. I found out the CA DMV already published the 2010 driver's handbook and we went to see if we could get one.
While we were walking up to the doors she told me, "You know what I'm gonna do? And you can't tell anyone, it's a secret."
And of course, I said, "yes, tell me!"
She said, "I'm going to dye my hair red right before I take that test. Then they'll think I'm younger and I'll fool them!"
I said, "Awesome, I'll totally help you!"
So, don't be surprised all of you out there following (Aunt Sharon and mom)! haha. I'm on grandma's side if she wants to get wild!

Anyway, AAA said they didn't have the new handbooks yet, but were expecting them to come in next Thursday morning. So next week we're going to call before and maybe head back. On the ride home grandma told me in the car, she will never forgive that Doctor Miller for taking away her license, never ever.

Thursday #6 / 2-11-10

This week I just relaxed with grandma and only took two photos...of her kitty socks!


We ate breakfast, did a bunch of driving tests, and watched Little House on the Prairie.
She actually has been doing super well on the tests and she studies her notes all week. When she gets an answer right, she says, "well, I just don't know how I got that right, just lucky." And i say "no, you've been staring at the answers all week and subconsciously remembered it, that's great!" She also HATES "DOUBLE YELLOW LINE SOLID OR BROKEN STUFF!" Don't we all?! Does anyone actually know the facts on those or follow them correctly? Well, I suppose I will have them ingrained in my head soon enough and if I ever have to take the written DMV test I will by default be prepared!
So while we were almost finished taking the tests, Little House on the Prairie came on. She looked up from the computer and just started staring at it.
She said, "oh, my shows on. Whenever it comes on I stop whatever I'm doing and watch it."
I said, "ok, well, do you want to just finish this test, there's only 2 more questions and then we can watch it."
"Ya, that'll be fine," she said.
Then we watched two episodes and she got really into it and commented throughout the show like she was a character and it was all intense..."Oh, he's a crummy Doctor, a real dirty liar. That other Doctor better come back."
I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thursday #5 / 2-4-10

When I arrived this Thursday grandma was watching Golden Girls..too perfect.

She loves it!

I told her we were hitting the town to get breakfast..and where else would that be but..FARMER BOYS! Here is her getting her cute little bootie socks on and Queenie is telling Tinkerbell a secret, probably something like, "ok, now when she's gone, I get the bed!"

Me waiting for her while she gets a jacket from her room:

"Where do you guys think you're going, huh?":

Ope, this was on the table..looks like she's been studying!:

It was super bright while we were driving, so I offered her an extra pair of sunglasses I had. They were even missing a side arm..but they stayed in place. Here she is putting them on:

And they look good too! I might fix them for her!

Here's my sunglasses: flip-shades over my prescription glasses. I gotta see straight and don't want to squint:

Alright, straw time...


Got it this time!

While we were eating I do have to admit I felt a bit sad by a few of her comments. One was, "I bet you wish I wasn't here with you, so you could be here with your boyfriend or friends." I told her, "no, i don't. He is at work anyway, so i would actually be here by myself, and in that case I wouldn't be here at all and eating cereal at home. So, I am very happy to be here and here with you." And another being how what a "dumby" she thought she was now and that she use to be smart. Of course, I talked to her about it and tried to lift her self-esteem and spirit, but it still made me think about how fast life is and sunk my heart for a moment.

She ate it all...except for one slice of bacon...FOR QUEENIE! now I don't think I burned my bacon last time!
One for her, one for Queenie.

Just got home and happy! When she was first getting in the car she had her latte and said "does this car have any comb holders?" She meant cup-holders I'm sure; she was more forgettful this day I could tell. Also in the car, a piece of our conversation: she said, "what do you call Clarke (my boyfriend)?" I said, "I don't know, Clarkey, Clarko?" And a few minutes later, while referring to him she said "What time does Cook get off work?" New nicknames...i love it.


"Queenie...stop taking the bacon on the carpet or i'm gonna take it away from you baby!":

"No kitty, not for you.":

"Fine.":

Signing a card we were sending to cousin Emily...She wrote on the top part of the card first. To end her portion, she introduced my part saying something like "Alayna Albert will now be writing below." She asked me my last name because she said she forgot it. Once I told her, she said, "Oh, ya, you're still an Albert.":

And lastly, before I left she said, "Well, tell Cookie I said Hi!" Note to self: nickname #2 for Clarke! And they're only getting better!
Oh, and for fun, here's an old picture of my mom..ain't she pretty!

Coming Soon I promise!!!

There are 3 blog entries in the work right now!! Check back by tomorrow and I should have them done! YEAH!
love,
alayna