Updates and Afterthoughts

hi everyone.
check back here for:
1) Funeral info as the details become more clear. All I know so far is that it will be this Saturday at Fairview Memorial in Santa Ana, CA.

2) A few more blog entries from the last couple Thursdays I hadn't posted yet--I'm very sad yet excited to show them. I took her to the duck pond two Thursdays ago and have some amazing pictures, she LOVED feeding the ducks and being outside.

3) Misc. pictures and other things I think would be useful/healing to share..for me and you all.

I am very, very sad...and writing on this blog is making it more difficult...I can't see much of the screen past my tears.
I feel soo glad that I chose to take care of grandma beginning this year, it makes sense now why I was given the opportunity, although it sure makes the situation affect me more.
So far, I have been seeing that the most common thing we all are dealing with now that this has happened, and after every death, is regrets and "I should haves." I keep telling everyone else we can't blame ourselves wishing we had spent more time with her or done this or that for her, that we were all living our lives the way we had to and so was she, etc. But even I am not of pure innocence of this. I wish I had spent more time with her on the weekends or stayed longer last Thursday..."why didn't i just sit there longer? watch another show? ask her to go on a walk? why didn't i hug her longer when i said goodbye last Thursday?" But i keep telling myself, neither of us had any idea this was going to happen and so it doesn't matter.
I want to be vulnerable and share that to help anyone else. Because even I, someone who got to spend more time with her than some of you, on a regular basis, wish that I had more time or done something differently; her and i were just getting the hang of our new partnership, I told her we would go to the duck pond every month with more bread, we had a ballet recital to go to, I wanted to have a big birthday party for her and even invite a few of my friends to meet her, we had so much we were beginning to plan, and we were gonna pass that stupid driving test and dye her hair :) I had my routine down with her finally, so we were just getting more adventurous. But anyway, ugh...
I guess it just shows me that it doesn't matter...it doesn't matter if you were able to spend all the time in the world with her or barely any...to those of you who live out of state and are thinking these same thoughts as me--we all are going to feel them no matter what and it has nothing to do with us doing something wrong. I think she knew what was going on in most all of our lives and really, really loved us all and knew how much everyone loved her. She talked a lot about family members with me. That is all I want to say right now.